Where Does My Help Come From?

Psalm 121 "I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot slip — He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 

The Lord watches over you — the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from all harm — He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

This is the scripture that the Lord has given me repeatedly over the last several days.  I don't know what is going on in my body, but I have been in so much pain.  The pain has been unbearable at times.  It actually feels like my brain, spinal area, neck area are all swelling.  The doctor tried prednisone for about 10 days.  It helped a very little bit.  Then I was back to square one — very intense pain. 

The doc tried some anti-inflammatories.  I hadn't been able to sleep for several days and was exhausted from the pain and lack of sleep.  Within 30 minutes of taking the anti-inflammatory I could litterally feel the swelling going down.  It was an answer to prayer.  It took the pain in all my joints, head, neck, elbows, hands, shoulders, wrists, etc. away enough that I relaxed enough and finally slept!  I slept for about 3 days straight.  I was so weak that everything wore me out — literally everything.  Since the swelling went down, the passing out spells have all but gone away.  That was an answer to prayer too.  Thank you Jesus!  I'd had a seizure on May 3rd and just haven't been the same since.

We continue to pray and seek the Lord together for healing, direction, wisdom.  Yesterday and today were fairly good days.  I'm finally sleeping again, eating again a little bit more (and keeping it down), not passing out (that's huge), and the weakness and fatigue is getting better.  I'm able to do a little more each day. 

I have noticed that in the last few days especially I have felt my connection to the Lord deepen — I can't explain it, but I am thankful for it. There are times He seems so far away but I still continue to pray — but I'll be honest, there are some days that I can't pray — but He is always on my mind (if that makes sense) — I seem to continually have a praise song in my heart and mind — He is never far from my mind. I do love Him so much and long for Him.

He gave me a dream a while back before all of the really bad pain began — and in it (to keep the story short) he was showing me the house He had prepared for me — the colors were so vibrant and beautiful, and each room was so unique and amazing, and I was going from room to room and just weaping at His love for me — I get to one room and He had put in a beautiful pool — so beautiful I can still see it — and I dove in — I could breath the water — I could feel His presence all around me and I remember just sighing and saying "I love You" and audibly hearing His voice saying "I love you" — I believe He gave me that dream to encourage me for the trial that was coming, because I think of His audible voice often and how much He does love me — even when He does seem so far away.

To be honest, I wouldn't trade this trial for anything. The pain at times has been unbearable — I have thought of suicide often (although I would never do it) — the depression has been so isolating, but when I think of the precious times I've had with the Lord – those I wouldn't ever want to miss — does that make sense? I mean, would I ever have chosen to go through this trial — not in a million years!  Would I wish this on my worst enemy?  Never!  But I'm here, so as Job said though He slay me, still I will praise Him. 

Why am I choosing to be so transparent?  Just in case someone else may be going through something similar I do want them to know they are not alone, and hope that they can find comfort the way I've found comfort — through Jesus Christ.  I refuse to wear a mask and pretend that everything is just hunky dory.  Now, I don't go around walking around all downcast and sullen, I won't do that, but I'm also not going to minimize what I'm going through either — how can others pray for me if I don't tell them what's going on?  Christians aren't exempt from pain, trials, fears.  When things are good I shout that out without hesitation.  I am who I am.  But through it all, I will praise Him, and I will always say He is good.  Period! 

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